HRH Ashjolina, Ruler of Ashford

HRH Ashjolina, Ruler of Ashford
God Dust the Queen!!! by Mark Otero/POPGUN Design SF/USA

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Things ASHers need to get used to...

Here's the list of things starting to concern me, or getting my knickers in a twist:
  1. No Tivo or DVR or whatever.  OMG, I'm not sure if I can make it...I know that American Idol and Glee are waiting for me in California, safely on my little DirecTv DVR, but it's more than that.  This bloody hotel doesn't even have a guide where I can find out what's on without channel surfing, and it's satellite and the ash cloud is disrupting service, I'm convinced.  Blimey!
  2. I'm losing my identity quickly.  Note above where I refer to hotel as "bloody" hotel, and use my new favorite word Blimey.  Well, as they say, 'when in Rome'.  Hey, do they have airplanes flying out of Rome?  
  3. Football - (soccer)  This is a big concern...soon the masses are going to figure out that the professional footballers can't fly around match-to-match and may have to cancel a few (oh the HORROR OF IT ALL).  SSSSHHHH. Let's keep that one to ourselves a bit longer.  Tv news hasn't figured it out as they seem preoccupied with the ash cloud and ...
  4. The Election.  If I'm here much longer and I have to watch any more about the 3 fat heads running for some big office, then I'm going to take a meeting with the Queen to petition that Ashers get to vote.  
  5. Full English Breakfast
Aren't you simply Gobsmacked at that mess above?  Yes, that is the FULL ENGLISH Breakfast, that's exactly how it appears on the menus, and even on bloody postcards.  It's freakin' famous.  Like a Hurricane drink at Pat O'Briens in New Orleans, or Clam Chowder in a Sourdough Bowl in San Francisco.  I'm telling you, those are baked beans, and they serve them in GIANT cauldrons on the hot dogs in NYC.   Enough of drawing the parallels.  You get it.  And I've not had a proper breakfast in 7 days.  I tried this morning and caught a croissant on fire in the toaster.  Torched it.  At work we have these weak rotisserie toasters, and they barely warm your bread.  This one was like Chernobyl.  Honestly, 3 inch flames off that baby, no kidding.  I tried to blow it out, but the smoke came back on me and I nearly choked to death.  I ran yelling to the waiter, and he dove in with a fork.  I fanned the flames away from the smoke detector with a dinner plate.  I could just see the whole hotel evacuating at 8:45am with sprinklers drowning everyone.  That was a close one.  I will not show my face in the Executive Lounge for a few days.  I think it's best.

Continuing the review of breakfast:  I'm going to have to call Oscar Meyer or find a butcher to get some real bacon.  The kind that comes in STRIPS not slabs.  And those little potato cakes are like from McDonald's.  That black thing WAS a sausage.  I am starting to horde fruit.  Because alot of it is imported by plane, oranges are surely to become very expensive, very soon.  

How long do you think we are going to be here?  Well, I'll tell you...I booked my room until next Friday...I bought a large hand soap for my bathroom, and I've unpacked my suitcase.  I'm digging Waterloo Station on one side and the London Eye on the other...adjusting to life ...

Under the Ash Cloud

Signing off now, because I have many things to sort out before bed time.   


  1. Ghastly breakfast. Just what is that between the ham(?) and the beans?

  2. That is a grilled tomato. By the way, grilled mushrooms were also offered but I don't like mushrooms for breakfast so had them cut from the order. Imagine grilled mushrooms on that!

  3. Isolated. Great Britain. No help imminent. All you need now are Zombies, and we can make a movie! Oh wait ...

  4. I'm reading this stuff to the wife, and we're cracking up. Looking forward to more stories when you get back.

  5. You passed on a full English breakfast??? Are you mad? Hmmm real bacon I miss it so!

  6. Cole, that bacon takes a steaming dump on American bacon any day. A lovely cut that includes the tenderloin compared a strip that is 90% lard... there is no comparison. I'm counting down the days to eating bacon cut by butchers who have high respect for the pig, their art and our taste buds.

  7. It would be one thing if the beans and tomato weren't straight out of a can. How do you burn a canned tomato? I thought your potatoes were chicken nuggets. Not sure whether it would be an improvement or not... well, for me, not, being a vegetarian. That leaves very little Breakfast left for me.

    Also, in all but one of my many Full English Breakfast experiences, the toast was not done properly. There must be a shortage of proper toasters, perhaps due to the electrical outlets being different.